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Back to the lab

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Success! My Large Toulmin Collider, built in a 500-yard tunnel beneath my croquet lawn, has yielded gratifying results.

Its purpose was to send a beam of local government spending needs one way round the ring, while in the opposite direction there travelled another comprising central government restrictions.

Their meeting allowed me to observe conditions a trillionth of a second before capping was imposed, and learn how the world might have been.

As expected, the first beam grew dramatically each time it collided with atoms of adult social care, concessionary bus fares and the dog fouling performance indicator.

The beams’ collision was truly alarming. I can now say with certainty that 90% of local government finance cannot be understood by scientists, and its continued expansion is driven largely by thoughtless impositions from Whitehall.

After one particularly productive run, I did see the Department for Communities & Local Government vaporised and hurtle at speed in the general direction of Neptune.

Forget one’s roots

Mistress Margaret Eaton, the new chair of the Local Government Association , calls at the hall for dandelion and burdock to seek my advice on how she should proceed in the post.

“Eric and David are very keen on localism,” she observes.

I reply that all politicians are keen on localism until they get into power, when the merits of centralisations are suddenly borne in upon them.

“But our government wouldn’t be like that,” she protests. I reflect that that is exactly what Mr Tony Blair told me some 12 years earlier.

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