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  • Comment

To: Prime Minister/COBRA

From: Head of Emergency Planning

THE FIRST STAGE of our strategy has been successfully completed. Our media operation has convinced the public that new emergency measures will respond to international terrorism. However, with the leaking of the comprehensive performance assessment scores - as you instructed, the perpetrators are now under house arrest - we have already moved to level one (code amber) of the emergency procedures.

In stage one, efforts of both civilian and uniformed personnel will be focused on identified hot spots at the boundaries between 'Excellent/Good' and 'Poor' councils. Our field agents report growing concern about two areas - the border between Bedfordshire and Hertfordshire and at several crossing points into south-west London

We are receiving early reports of the refugee convoys leaving Bedford, Biggleswade and Letchworth. A reception centre has been set up at Knebworth but already the red cross and UN helpers are being overwhelmed by demands from refugees to receive education, social care and trading standard services from Hertfordshire. We are monitoring the situation hourly and things remain under control. However, we recommend swift action to outlaw the activities of the newly formed Hertfordshire National Party, which has called on residents to take up arms in the face of 'the threat to our excellent services from the poor western hordes'.

Predictably, the position in London is more serious and we recommend moving immediately to level three (code red). In dealing with the growing civic unrest as residents of Haringey, Lambeth and Islington LBCs seek to flee their collapsing councils, we had hoped to call on services of the buffer zones of Wandsworth and Lewisham LBCs. However, Wandsworth only has provision for the highly privileged while the leadership in Lewisham has issued a statement attacking the 'discredited CPA junta and their running dogs in Camden and Hammersmith' and is applying to join the EU as a fully sovereign independent state.

We are concerned about the activities of gangsters and people traffickers offering safe passage out of Hackney LBC. Reports are emerging of Lambeth LBC residents buying fake passports and new identities in Albania.

Questions were raised by ministers about militias in 'poor' areas taking matters into their own hands. Concern was expressed about the possibility of show trials and ritual humiliation by the state-backed media. I am pleased to assure you both are proceeding as instructed.

Matthew Taylor

Director, Institute for Public Policy Research

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